" Dude, please wax your freaking legs once in a while. This after-shaving stubble business is okay for emergencies, but I'd like to feel like I'm dating a girl. Once in a while. "
He's not a jackass. No. He's not. He's the progenitor of the fucking species.
Yawn. "I love you too, M. Fetch me a newspaper?"
He's lying in bed, rolling his eyes, trying not to come over some new bike that I don't care enough about to remember the name of. Quite a prince, my jackpot.
"You know, I like fighting. I've decided. You're boring. This keeps it ALIVE. You know? Like spices it up and all that jazz. Drama is good." Very southern-American drawl there.
Its his I'm-gonna-be-a-cunt-coz-I-can-be day. Ah well. I'm adoring him today, its allowed.
"Yeah I heart drama. Willya fetch me the newspaper?" I'm trying to keep the smile out of my voice. And failing. Its infuriating the living muck out of him.
Mission accomplished.
"Fuck you too. "
"Gladly. Have you decided not to save yourself for marriage then? You're GIVING UP ON YOUR MORALS FOR SEX?!" I hid the insinuating chuckle behind a low cough, struggling to keep my face straight.
I looked up from my laptop to see if he was still bent on trying to be an asshole.
He was.
Dang. Something was up.
"Alright, out with it."
"I don't know. You're just annoying me more than usual today. "
"I'm supposed to be the girl remember? Tantrums are supposed to be MY thing."
"I'm supposed to be the boy remember? Body-hair is supposed to be MY thing. "
"GAH. K. No more body-hair. Now what's the real reason you're not letting me obsess over Edward Cullen in peace?" The adoration was definitely subsiding. I hate beating about the bush. And he knows it. Get to the point already nig.
His expression is serious now. Something is UP! And from teh look of it, its not going to be much fun.
He sighed loudly. Fought a mental battle in about 3 seconds flat, I saw the turbulence in his eyes abate. His hand was in his hair, it's this little worried scratch thing he does when he's rehearsing a speech or something, in his head.
He seemed to give up.
"Baby. You know this isn't working right? " He was kidding. I knew he was.
"Because I'm BORING. Yeah, that's real cute M." I chuckled. " Get to the point, Edward awaits impatiently for my reverence. "
"Will you listen to me for a second? I.. need you to. You're gonna hate me"
"Nice try, skank."
"Baby, please.."
The silent desperation in his voice had my stomach churning. I knew he was kidding. He HAD to be. But this was not good.
"What, can't we have a clean month without breaking up 18 times and getting back together?" We've been together for 6 years. We've never broken up. Not once. I knew I had to quit trying to make light of this. I just didn't feel like it.
"What if I told you I don't feel the same way?"
I was starting to not breathe. "Then I'd have to kill you in slow, painful ways, repeatedly. So don't make me. " Be serious, woman, be serious.
Silence.
And then I knew it. This was.. well. He wasn't kidding. He was being crazy, sure. I'd have to shake him out of it. But he wasn't kidding.
"Why? What did I do? What's wrong? We'll fix it, I promise. " See. Nice and easy and calm. We'll fix it, whatever I was doing wrong. And it would be okay.
"Nothing.. its not you. I.. goodfuckingLORD why is this so hard?" He took in a deep breath. There was a voice growing louder in my head. I was just going to ignore it, for a bit.
"Baby. I'm in love with someone. I've known her a year. I NEVER thought it would turn into.. this.. stupid..LOVE thing. You're the one. You're supposed to be the one. I don't know what this is about!"
Plug your nose, stop breathing. Hold it. 30 seconds. Breathe. Nothing like the oxygen rushing through your lungs, now, is there?
What if someone took the oxygen away, forever?
